I have always been a little boyish. I am not talking about the way I look. No, I am very feminine in that regard. I am talking about the way I dress and behave. I am just comfortable dressing in clothes that are considered more masculine than feminine. They call people like me tomboys. There were also people who tagged me as queer. I use the term as a wide umbrella because I don’t want to specifically mention the word they used, but I am sure most of you know what they call women who wear masculine clothes. I never bothered because I knew I was straight. Those kinds of thoughts never even crossed my mind. So I just lived my life, as freely as possible......Read The Full Article>>.....Read The Full Article>>
I had a boyfriend I was madly in love with by the time I got to tertiary school. It was one of those relationships when you are so sure you would spend the rest of your life with the person. You plan your future. You plan your life together as a married couple even though marriage is eons away. It doesn’t cost a dime to build castles in the air, you know. That’s why it’s nice to hope and dream that the person you love is in your future and you are in theirs as well.
I gave this relationship everything I possessed. After all, I was with the “one”. That was what I thought. Unbeknownst to me, while I was blissfully thinking I was in a happy relationship, my boyfriend was plotting his escape. I was in my first year at the university when he left me. I didn’t see it coming. What could have gone wrong? What did I do or say to make him think, “The future I planned with this girl is not worth it? Let me leave her and move on with my life.” I asked him these questions but I didn’t get a response. I tried to keep a calm head, but the whole breakup was chaotic. The pain I felt was indescribable. I even feared I would lose my mind.
In my pain, I found comfort in my friend, Princess. She was in a relationship with a guy who was toxic to her emotional and physical health. If he was not yelling painful words at her, he was hitting her. It was that bad but she wouldn’t leave. I advised her to leave him. She also advised me to move past my heartbreak. “That boy didn’t deserve you,” she would say. “This your boyfriend doesn’t deserve you either,” I would tell her. This is how we comforted each other.
As I made it through my healing journey, I swore off men. If a man tried to be nice to me, I would think about my ex and get angry. The only people I considered safe were women. And the woman closest to me then was Princess. That’s how Princess and I got so close that we ended up blurring certain lines. By this, I mean we got involved intimately. I didn’t even know I had it in me to be attracted to women until it started happening.
My entire life, I was identified as such because of my tomboy nature. But honestly, this was a part of me I didn’t know existed. It just came to light because of Princess. For two semesters, we dated. We were both in a place where we needed healing, and it drove us into a relationship where we did things that we are now ashamed to admit. In the moment it was happening, it was fun and exciting.
However, along the line, we started accepting that our lifestyle was wrong. “Where is this even heading?” I asked her one day. “I have been wondering the same thing, She responded, “Society will never accept us as a couple. Our families would be so disappointed if they found out.” So we both concluded that if we can’t be open and honest about our relationship, then it was wrong to maintain it in the first place. “Then we have to end things,” we both agreed.
It wasn’t easy to completely end things. Sometimes, it was torturous. But we constantly remembered everything that was at stake should we get caught. It was enough motivation to get us to do the right thing. While we navigated our separation, I found a good guy that I love. I am with him now. She also found a better man than her abusive ex-boyfriend. She is happily dating him now. We don’t believe in cheating on our partners so there is no likelihood that we will relapse and be together. Besides, being with my boyfriend has helped me curb my feelings toward women so I won’t mess with it.
Occasionally, when I see beautiful women I compliment them. Sometimes I feel it’s wrong to do that, considering my background. I am still figuring out how to be a woman who chooses a man while I harbor secret feelings toward women. Some days are good. Some days are hard. Through it all, I am learning that it’s all about being intentional about my choices and encounters. Although I don’t regret my actions and experiences with Princess, I feel ashamed for allowing it to happen in the first place. So I am determined not to go back to that lifestyle. So help me God!
