I was living with my mom when we started dating. Adjo didn’t like the idea. She felt my mom didn’t like her, because of that, I had to virtually beg her to visit me. When she came around, she stayed in my room and didn’t want to come out. I wanted her to build a relationship with my mom so I did my best to bring them close. Adjo didn’t like it. My mom didn’t stop complaining......See Full Story>>.....See Full Story>>
“You brought a woman home but she wouldn’t help me in the kitchen. Do you think your dad would be happy if he was alive?” My mom queried. I rushed in to talk to Adjo. I begged her to help in the kitchen. She shook her head. “I’m only a visitor. I’m not here to cook or wash or sweep. That’s your duty.”
My elder sister got married and left home. My elder brother too. Before he got married, he brought his girlfriend home just as I did. His girlfriend helped around the house. When she slept over, she woke up at dawn to sweep and cook breakfast for the family. My dad was then alive. He loved my brother’s girlfriend and poured blessings on her head.
Dad died. My brother got married and left home. They left my mom in my care since I was the only one living with her. I met Adjo but Adjo didn’t want to do what my brother’s wife did to gain my parent’s blessing.
I was torn between two, love and my mother. I loved Adjo’s strength and her sense of independence. I loved the way she loved me and wanted to straighten me up. She did it with love and care but sometimes she overdid it. Especially, when my mom was involved.
We had a lengthy conversation. I wanted her to love my mom and also become my mom’s favourite. I told her what to do to please my mom. I showed her the way to my mom’s heart and even gave her the keys. She said, “I’m not here to please your mother. I like her as your mom but your overreliance on her scares me. If you don’t take care, she’ll rule your life and if I happen to be in your life, she’ll rule us into chaos.”
She called me soft because I listened to my mom. She asked me to rent my own place and leave the tutelage of my mother. I fought against that and nearly broke up because of that. “Why should I rent a new place when my parents have a big house like ours?”
One day, she came home. My mom called her to the hall and they talked. From that day, she bent a little. She helped around and listened when my mom talked. She cooked and cleaned without any coercion. I asked what my mom told her to change her mind but she wouldn’t say it. She said, “It’s girls talk. You don’t need to hear.” My mom also said the same thing to me. “It’s woman-to-woman talk. She’s a good girl.”
I was happy I didn’t have to choose between them. We dated for two years and got married. Right after our honeymoon, we started fighting. I wanted us to live with my mom but Adjo said no. Again, I didn’t see the need to rent when we had an empty house. We debated this for over three months. Adjo lived with her parents while I lived with my mom.
With the help of my in-laws, Adjo eventually came to live with us. It turned into a power play between her and my mom. When it came to what we would eat, my mom decided. When Adjo didn’t want what my mom decided, it turned into “Whose side are you going to choose?”
Apart from food, a lot of things didn’t go right. I felt it and I knew my mom was doing too much but I was too scared to go against her. I knew what she went through when my dad died. I was the only one left in her corner and didn’t want to upset her.
To choose my mom means to let go of my wife. Just in a year, my wife went to her parent’s house twice. The last one nearly brought our marriage to an end. My mom was always in my room telling me, “Let her go. Is she the only woman on earth? She’s even lazy. I don’t know why you keep pursuing a woman like that.”
When Adjo was with her parents and we were talking, she told me, “I’m looking for a place to rent. When you change your mind, you can come and live with me but know that I’m not coming to that house of yours again.”
My mom had spent every day telling me I married the wrong woman. I listened to her. I nearly believed her. If I didn’t know Adjo for myself, I would have believed my mom. When she got a place, she told me about it. I went with her and paid for two years’ rent. When she moved in, I started packing my things to her place.
I bid my mom goodbye in the morning. By mid-afternoon, my elder brother and sister were home, trying to resolve our issue.
I told them, “I’ve lived my life listening to Mom every day. Let me listen to myself this once. I need to be alone with my wife and know her for who she is. Is that too much to ask?”
They couldn’t stop me from leaving. My mom stopped talking to me and then stopped referring to my wife as her in-law. We were a happy couple when we reunited but I desperately wanted my mom in my corner. Adjo told me, “Leave that to me. I’ll make it work.”
Again, I don’t know what they talked about or when they started talking. The first time my mom came around, it was Adjo who brought her home. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was smiling like a child who had seen toffees or his favourite toys. She stayed with us for three days. She didn’t make demands or suggest anything. She laughed a lot and for the first time, it felt like home.
I asked Adjo, “What did you tell her?” She responded, “You don’t need to know. It’s girls talk. All is well now.”
I still don’t know what they talked about. Some days I’m curious. Some days I’m fulfilled. I may never know but I know this. Whatever they said to each other worked. That’s the most important thing.