Ah, welcome back to another episode of Thursday Chronicles! And guess what? It’s Valentine’s Eve, aka the day before some people’s destinies will be rewritten—either by love or by heartbreak......CONTINUE READING THE ARTICLE FROM THE SOURCE>>>>>
If you’re still saying “Valentine is not my thing” by now, we know the truth: pocket don dry. No need to lie, my dear.
By now, you should have gotten the memo: if your partner hasn’t started posting “Valentine is not a must” or “Love should be celebrated every day”, just know that breakfast (heartbreak) might not be your portion this year. Congratulations! But if your bank app is already showing insufficient funds, and you’re sweating like someone who just got caught cheating in an exam, my dear, this guide is for you.
I hereby present to you: The Ultimate Valentine’s Survival Guide for Broke Lovers. Whether you’re single, taken, or just realizing you’re actually the side piece, let me teach you how to navigate the most financially dangerous day of the year.
1. The Art of Dodging Valentine’s Day Expenses
If you’ve been forming sweet boy, sugar daddy, or soft babe since January, but your bank balance is now telling you the truth, this is your final escape route. A true Nigerian doesn’t just suffer—they strategize.
A Few Excuses That Might Save You:
The Sudden Illness: Start coughing today. By 9 p.m., send a dramatic text: “Babe, I just got back from the hospital. Doctor said I need complete rest, no stress, no outings.” If your partner is emotional, throw in “I love you so much, I just wish I had strength to show you.” Oscar-winning performance.
The Fake Religious Fast: This one works wonders. Start posting Bible or Quran verses from this evening. Say things like “I’m on a 3-day dry fast. No distractions, just me and my spiritual journey.” But beware—if your partner is a serious person, they will suggest praying together. Now you’re in trouble.
The Fake Family Emergency: “Babe, my grandma in the village just collapsed. I need to go check on her.” Meanwhile, you’re in your room eating garri and groundnut peacefully.
The Valentine Protest Movement: If all else fails, pretend to be an activist. Say things like “Valentine’s Day is a capitalist scam to enslave the masses. We should be fighting oppression, not wasting money on teddy bears.” If your partner doesn’t agree, ask them “Do you support the bourgeoisie?” They’ll be too confused to argue.
2. The Last-Minute Gift Strategy for the Broke But Hopeful
If you’re too deep in love to escape but too broke to flex, don’t worry—there’s still hope. Here’s how to package your way into your lover’s heart without packaging yourself into debt.
Handwritten Love Letter: It worked for our ancestors, and it can work for you. Write something deep like “Your love is like network connection, sometimes weak but always reconnecting.”Not those WhatsApp “I love you so much, my heart beats for you” type. Write a deep, emotional letter. Say things like:
“Your love is like Nigerian NEPA—sometimes unpredictable, but I can’t live without it.”
If your handwriting is ugly, type it out. Then print it and claim you spent hours writing it from the heart.
DIY Romantic Date: If you can’t afford a fancy restaurant, bring the romance home! Buy Gala and La Casera, lay a bedsheet on the floor, light some candles (even if they’re from your neighbor’s blackout stash), and call it a “minimalist, intimate, nature-inspired dining experience.”
Repackage Old Gifts: Search your house for old perfumes, wristwatches, or unopened gift items. Re-wrap them and say, “Baby, I saw this and thought of you.” Who will check receipt?
Buy a Rose for ₦500 and Give It With Confidence: Hold the flower like you just won an award. Hand it over dramatically and whisper, “This rose represents my love—beautiful, delicate, and always growing.” If they start complaining, tell them “It’s the thought that counts.”
Promise Future Gifts: If all else fails, tell your partner, “Baby, I actually ordered something big for you from abroad. It’s still at the port.” This gives you at least two months before they start asking questions.
3. The Valentine’s Day Behavior Manual for Broke People
If you somehow survive the gift wahala, the next challenge is how to behave on Valentine’s Day itself. You need to act the part so your partner doesn’t suspect that you’re broke and winging it.
Key Survival Strategies:
Stay Off Social Media: If you see people posting “Dubai with bae” and you’re in your one-room apartment eating indomie without egg, depression might locate you. Stay offline.
Avoid Certain Conversations: If your partner starts talking about luxury gifts, fake network issues immediately. “Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Ah, I think my service provider is messing up!”
Look Busy All Day: Even if you’re jobless, act like you have back-to-back meetings. This will save you from unnecessary expectations. If they ask for a date, say “Ah babe, I’d have loved to, but work is crazy today. Let’s reschedule.”
If They Take You Out, Order Small: If your partner insists on taking you out, respect yourself. Don’t go and order grilled lamb with imported honey sauce when you know you can’t afford table water. Eat small, smile, and let them enjoy their generosity.
4. Special Advice for the Singles
Now, let’s talk about the real MVPs of Valentine’s Day—the single people. If you’re single, congratulations! You just saved money, stress, and potential heartbreak. But if you’re feeling left out, here’s what to do:
Form Busy: Tell everyone you’re “fully booked”, even if you’re just at home watching Zee World.
Pretend You’re on a Business Trip: Post an old airport picture and caption it “Business before pleasure.” Nobody needs to know you took that picture last year.
Order Your Own Valentine’s Gift: Buy yourself something nice and caption it “A queen deserves to be spoiled.” If anyone asks, just say “He’s private, I don’t post my man.”
Turn Off Your Phone by 7 p.m.: This is the only way to avoid seeing people posting “my love surprised me with a car!” Meanwhile, the last surprise you got was your landlord increasing rent.
Love, But With Sense
At the end of the day, Valentine’s Day should be about love, not suffering. If you have money, spoil your partner. If you don’t, don’t go and collect loan because of love. Love is sweet, but debt is bitter.
And remember, not everyone in love is truly happy—some people will be forcing smiles over heartbreak tomorrow. So, whether you’re spending Valentine’s with someone special, alone with Netflix and chinchin, or dodging responsibilities like a pro, enjoy yourself, laugh at the madness, and don’t let pressure kill you.
Happy Valentine’s Eve, Nigeria! May your love be pure, your wallet be safe, and your stress levels be low.
Did you enjoy this episode of Thursday Chronicles? Share your funniest Valentine’s Day experience in the comments! And remember—if you don’t receive a gift tomorrow, act normal.